Today I am starting to feel normal again, not completely, but I at least feel in control of myself again. Brad and I were so excited when we learned that we were finally pregnant. Then we learned that our baby was not "viable" at 7 weeks. Then we waited for the inevitable bleeding and cramping to start. We waited and we waited. All the time I am trying to convince myself that the baby really is not "viable" and that it is not just slow-growing but going to be fine. Oh, and also all the time I am on the verge of throwing up, bloated and grumpy. At week 12 we had another look and yes, "the pregnancy is breaking up." I took misoprostol because it was "that or a D&C", according to my Dr. That was one month ago.
Now, after being pregnant then having to"deliver" over the course of a week or so, I think my hormones are starting to get back to normal. Though, if I start bawling in your kitchen just pat my back and don't bring it up again (thanks Jodie). And if I come up with crazy ideas or drastic life changes just go along with it (as long as I don't spend too much money) and let me come to my own senses (thanks everyone, especially Brad). And if I want to eat Fruit Loops every morning don't finish the box! (you know who you are)
Thanks to everyone for being so supportive and helpful.
We are excited to try, try again for a baby. I wonder what kind of mom I will be, especially after an experience like this. Will I be patient enough? Will I have enough love to get through the tantrums and "I hate you" years? I hope that, if anything, I am learning patience through all of this. I don't think I have had to wait or work very hard for many things in my life; I'll be the first to admit that I have had it easy. So maybe it was time for my lesson in life. I am starting to think that we all have to have this lesson in some form: no one gets off easy. So those of you out there who feel that you have it easy, don't get too comfortable!
Now I can go write in my journal for reals.
